16. A Wounded Heart

"Wounded heart, I cannot save you from yourself.
Though I wanted to be brave, it never helped.
'Cause your trouble's like a flood, ragin' through your veins.
No amount of love's enough to end the pain." 

~Jude Johnstone, Wounded Heart

I hate April (the month Jon died).  And March (the month we started dating).  And June (our wedding anniversary).  And July (when he left for Iraq).  And August (his birthday on the 18th, mine on the 22nd).  And November (Thanksgiving without him).  And December (the last time I saw him alive on Christmas Day of 2006).  And February (stupid, stupid Valentine's Day).  Oh, and May (Memorial Day...everyone in the Army gets excited about the 4-day weekend and I get sad thinking about what that day actually means).  So what is that, 9 months?  9 months out of the 12 months of the year that I hate.  And I could honestly probably find perfectly good reasons to hate the other 3 too. 

I hate that there are so many things and so many times that are so damn hard.  I hate being asked "what's wrong?" like something has suddenly changed - I think about Jon all the time.  If you catch me with tears in my eyes or staring off into space, chances are I'm thinking about him and about how long the days are without him.  Isn't that rather obvious at this point?  I hate being told how "strong" I am by people who have no idea what's going on in my head but claim they "couldn't do it" if they found themselves in my situation.  Ha, well, guess what...it's not like I got much of a choice in all of this.  Does anyone really think for a second that if I could choose my challenges in life, this is the path I would have chosen?  I mean, let's be honest here -  no one gets it "easy."  Everyone experiences loss at some point and everyone experiences disappointments and pain.  I realize that.  But being widowed at 23 is not part of the "standard" life experience.  Living a life without the one person who made me feel "normal" amidst all the craziness in this world isn't something anyone "expects" to face when they look into their crystal ball and try to predict the future.  Jon and I planned everything out so carefully and so precisely  I guess the universe is trying to tell me that we should have known better.  The Army has a saying that goes something like "even the best plan doesn't survive the first contact."  Well, looks like it works that way in life too.  It reminds me of when I wrote a paper in high school about the classic tale Of Mice and Men.  It's the book best known for the famous quote that says:  "The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley."  (translation:  the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry).  It meant very little to me then, but that quote now sums up the very essence of my life story thus far.  Ah, if only I knew then what I know now.  If only I knew...

I guess today isn't one of my good days.  It happens...more often than I'd like to admit.  I just miss him.  I miss him so much that I can't write these words without tears.  Oh, Jon, dear God...please help me fix my wounded, broken heart.