85. The Pesky Cynic

"A cynic is [someone] who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing."
~Oscar Wilde

It probably comes as no surprise that after six years, a lot has changed.  Sometimes when I look back at pictures and videos of my former life, that's exactly what it feels like - like someone else's life.  I recognize myself and I can picture Jon's face, but the simplicity of my pre-April 7, 2007 existence is almost incomprehensible when I compare it to the storms I've weathered over the past six years.  The learning curve has been steep, and every life lesson has come at a heavy price, not to mention many mistakes on my part.  If only for that reason, I often wish I'd started writing this blog sooner.  Maybe then I could have avoided stumbling down a few of those rabbit holes along the way.  I've learned from those misguided detours, to be sure, but I doubt they'll ever cease to grate on my conscience.  Much in the same way I view my pre-2007 existence, the person who made all those mistakes is unfamiliar enough to feel like a perfect stranger to me.  And yet...it was me.  How can that be?  All I can say is that I'm counting on the next decade being a little better than this last one; otherwise I'll be emotionally spent before I hit 40. 

The good news is that I think I'm finally open to dating again, but I realize I may need to have more realistic expectations.  I'm not 18 anymore, and neither are any of the guys I might date.  I have emotional baggage,  they have baggage (though hopefully nothing quite as daunting as mine).  Jon was incredibly rare in this regard - he was 21 when we met and, miraculously, completely baggage-free.  There were no skeletons in his closet or crazy ex-girlfriends to avoid.  Guess he spoiled me for life in that way.  Way to ruin it for me, Jon, ha.

On the other hand, the dating world is a pretty scary place, and sometimes I think, why bother?  It's not like I'm ever going to find anyone who makes me feel that way again.  Once in a lifetime means once in a lifetime.  Might as well quit while I'm ahead!  But that's the jaded cynic in me talking.  If I've learned anything recently, it's that people still have the ability to surprise me, whether for better or worse.  Being a realist does not, by definition, require a healthy helping of cynicism.  It requires having some perspective on life, and of that I have plenty.  For months, I've been saying that nothing surprises me anymore, but I guess that's not really true.  The incredible outpouring of community support for the Veterans Project, for example, touched and humbled me beyond words.  I was almost embarrassed by all the complimentary things people said about me and the future potential of the program.  It was truly inspiring to witness so many people from different walks of life come together to recognize the importance of providing free legal services to our nation's heroes.  It gives me hope, and sometimes a little hope is what it takes to quash that pesky cynic.

So I'm going to continue to rely on those little glimmers of hope, and on the wonderful friends and family who have gotten me this far.  Without their love, support, and refusal to give up on me, even during the darkest of times, there would be no Veterans Project and no future career for me as an Army lawyer.  Goodbye, cynic - hello, life!  And, perhaps, hello, dating world.  You are indeed a scary place...but I'm not one to shy away from a challenge.  Dating doesn't have to mean I'm on the hunt for another husband - it just means dating, as in "let's give it a shot and see what happens."  Why not, right?  Honestly, what more do I have to lose?  Life, as I know all too well, is simply too short for regrets.