82. Private Battles Behind Closed Doors

"Sometimes the strongest people in the morning are the ones who cry themselves to sleep at night." 

~Unknown

My "private" battles over this past year haven't exactly been too private.  The demons I face and the internal battles I wage are no secret to those who know me best.  This blog is the epitome of that reality.  It's a risk, I know, but I continue to hope that putting the things that weigh heaviest on my heart into words will help me attain a sense of inner peace.  Most importantly, I hope my words will assure others understand they are not alone in experiencing the crazy slew of emotions that go along with grief.  For those unfamiliar with the process, consider yourself lucky - it's the most unpredictable, ridiculous thing you can imagine.  One day is fine, things seem to be going well - great, even - and then bam:  the proverbial freight train of grief appears out of nowhere and you feel like you just took ten steps back after a single very painstakingly slow step forward.  I think I've gotten incredibly good at putting on a show of strength and independence on the outside, but the truth, of course, is that I'm pretty fragile.

I feel fortunate to have experienced a tremendous sense of growth as a result of my decision to open up and put pen to paper.  Ask anyone who knew where I was at about a year or so ago and they'll likely tell you that the changes in me are stark.  My sense of self is so much more balanced and complete.  I am fragile...but I've also been through hell and I know I can survive it.  There are very few things that can shake me at this point.  There are disappointments and set-backs to be sure.  But after all the other crap I've been through, I know I can make it through just about anything and still find a way to come out on top.

Almost exactly ten years ago to this day, I went out on my first date with the most amazing and selfless man I've ever met.  Three years later, I became his wife...and then one year after that I became his widow.  Someone asked me this past weekend if I ever feel Jon is right there with me when things get tough and I need him the most.  I said yes, of course - always.  In ten years, he hasn't let me down yet.  And I suspect he never will.  For that, I am grateful - how many people can say that they have their very own guardian angel looking out for them every step of the way?  At the end of the day, I remind myself that no matter how many private battles I may wage, I have much to keep fighting for.  He's there with me - I can feel it - and with his love, I can do anything.