81. Letting Go of Perfection

"March on.  Do not tarry.  To go forward is to move toward perfection.  March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path." 

~Khalil Gibran

Well, it's technically my spring break from law school.  Yay...right? Yet, it hasn't been very break-ish.  I spent last night sobbing on my kitchen floor and asking God to please help me understand why I'm here and my husband is not.  He was a better person than me, a better Soldier, a better everything.  How can it be that I'm the one still here and he's the one who's gone?

I've asked that question a million times and I still haven't reached anything close to an answer.  It's like the "why" question:  I keep asking it, but I know deep down that there's never going to to a good enough "why" to satiate my appetite for incomprehension.  It's funny, you know...the more I learn in law school about how to dissect and analyze a problem, the more I can't understand the most fundamental one I've ever confronted:  why do bad things happen to good people?  Even when I meet someone I think might have the potential to surprise me, the bottom line is often the same.  I walk away disappointed and disheartened because it's all too predictable at this point.  It's like playing a game of "I told you so" with myself and thinking that this time will somehow be the exception to the rule. Jon was the exception to the rule.  Why can't there there just be more people like him?  Life would be so much simpler.

At the end of the day, I guess the good thing in all of this is that I know I'll be okay.  It really doesn't matter what happens now - my twenties have been a decade I hope to never repeat, and my thirties still hold the promise of an untainted,  decidedly un-tragic decade.  Thank God for all the good things in my life I can look to for comfort in times that try my resolve.  I have a family who loves me, a group of friends without whom I'd be lost, and a community that expresses an outpouring of support for the veterans project I've dedicated myself to making a reality.  Thank you, God, for these blessings.  I know I'm often quick to discount all the good in my life when I face a set-back, but perhaps it would benefit me to remember the positives a little more often and leave the cynicism at the door.  I have managed to achieve so much good in the face of adversity, and although I often discount the value in all of this, I know I could stand to cut myself a little slack.  Letting go of perfection is never easy, and yet it's sometimes necessary - we need to let go for the sake of our sanity, our growth, and our future.

A wise man once said that we should never fear perfection because we'll never reach it.  For now, I'm going to define perfection as the epitome of a life well-lived.  It seems fitting - both for myself and for Jon.  And for now, I think that's the perfect outlook.