42. Life Lessons from a Dying Man

"Of all the classes we taken on earth, grief is by far the toughest one."

~Unknown

I'll be honest:  I've been guilty of indulging in one or two pity parties recently.  I feel bad because I know it's not like anyone is doing anything to deliberately rub salt in the wound.  But whenever certain things come up, it's like a sucker punch to my stitched-up abdomen.  There are a few of these particularly gut-wrenching, daily topics of conversation that consistently get to me for whatever reason at the moment.  Listening to other families discuss their summer vacations is one.  Hearing about the romantic trips couples are planning to tropical locales is another.  I want to be happy for them, I do, but truthfully, the ache in my chest is hard to ignore.  When friends talk about their kids or share the news that they're expecting, I find myself unable to think about anything besides the fact that children are so conspicuously absent in my own life.  I guess that motherly, nurturing gene has decided now would be the perfect time to start bugging me incessantly.  And don't get me started on the concept of missing someone.  When I hear people say they miss their spouse or children while they're out of town for a few days, I think to myself, "hmm, well, if that's what it means to miss someone, then I need a new word for what it's like when the person isn't merely away on a trip but, rather, is gone forever."  Forever:  It's a beautiful word when used at a wedding to express a couple's deep, undying love and commitment to one another.  But it's an incredibly depressing word when used to denote how long it will be before seeing a loved one again on this earth.


In light of all this pervading negativity of late, I decided it was time to consult an expert on positive thinking.  Randy Pausch, a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon, is famous for his inspirational "Last Lecture," a phenomenon that spread like wildfire on YouTube (the video currently has almost 15 million "likes").  With the help of Jeffrey Zaslow, the last lecture was later expanded into a book.  Randy's original assignment was to consider his demise and ruminate on what mattered most to him.  He was asked to consider what wisdom he would impart to the world if he knew it was his last chance.  In providing his own unique answer, Randy asked his audience the following question:  if you had to vanish tomorrow, what would you want as your legacy?


When Randy delivered his last lecture, entitled "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams," he was terminally ill and dying from pancreatic cancer...yet he still managed to get down and knock out some push-ups to prove to everyone that he had what it takes to keep fighting, no matter what the odds.  His lecture wasn't about dying.  It was about the importance of overcoming obstacles, of enabling the dreams of others, and of seizing every moment.  It was, in short, a summation of what it means to live.


His wife, Jai, also recently wrote a book called "Dream New Dreams:  Reimagining My Life After Loss."  I guess I did things a little out of order; it wasn't until after I read Jai's story (to which I could relate in many ways) that I got started on the book Randy wrote to pass along his share of parental wisdom to his three young children.  His book is a beautiful tribute to a well-lived life.  At first, I thought I'd just reference a couple of my favorite quotes in the context of one of my blog entries, but as I found myself increasingly wrapped up in Randy's guidance, I figured it was only appropriate that I dedicate a whole entry to this extraordinary man.  It makes me wish I had a similar written record of Jon's advice to me over the years that I could refer to every time I need to call on him for help along the way.  I suppose I do have such a collection, of sorts - in my beautiful memories of our years together.  For now, that will have to suffice.


Many of Randy's life lessons spoke to me on a very personal level, but the following words are a few of his most poignant.  Thank you, Randy, for taking the time to remind us that life is short...and that love is stronger than any of the challenges we might face along the way. 


One of my favorites:  "Time is all you have.  And you may find one day that you have less than you think."


Oh, how I have come to appreciate the truth in this one:  "When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple.  Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."


I'm still searching for my own personal opening, but hopefully it's out there:  "If you can find an opening, you can probably find a way to float through it."


Mental note - remind self of this fact next time something makes me want to give up:  "Brick walls are there for a reason.  They give us a chance to show how badly we want something."


Thanks for this one, Randy.  Not everyone seems to realize this:  "Not everything needs to be fixed."


I should adopt this as my new personal mantra:  "No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.  At the same time, it is often within your power to make them better."


Sounds like Randy would agree that bizarre travel plans are dancing lessons from God:  "Go on those trips you've always wanted to take...Live in the moment."


Simplicity at its best:  "The truth can set you free."


You don't realize until you no longer have the blessing of time how invaluable a mere fifteen minutes can be:  "Could I afford to pay the extra $16.55?  I could.  So I left the store, happier to have fifteen minutes than sixteen dollars."


It's not easy, but I'm doing my best to formulate a new plan in the wake of all of all our hopes and dreams for the future being dashed:  "You can always change your plan, but only if you have one."


It's true what they say - dream big or go home!  "Give yourself permission to dream.  Fuel your kids' dreams too.  Once in a while, that might even mean letting them stay up past their bedtimes."


Good people don't have to be fashionistas:  "I'll take an earnest person over a hip person every time, because hip is short-term.  Earnest is long-term."


Ain't this the truth:  "Life's too short."


Another one to add to my mental arsenal of important reminders:  "We have finite time and energy.  Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals.  And it won't make us happier."


I've been working on this one for a while now but admittedly still have a ways to go:  "If nobody ever worried about what was in other people's heads, we'd all be 33 percent more effective in our lives and on our jobs."


I knew there was a reason I love cliches!  "Cliches are repeated so often because they're so often right on the money."


I can't believe I'm saying this, but keep the hits coming:  "It's not how hard you hit.  It's how hard you get hit...and keep moving forward."


Ah, such a catch-22.  I just wish there was a slightly less painful way to learn life's most valuable lessons..."Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.  And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer."


I tend to apologize too much.  Looks like I should put a little more thought into the frequency and ways in which I use the words "I'm sorry:"  "Half-hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologizing at all because recipients find them insulting.  A good apology is like an antibiotic.  A bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound."


There is is again - the truth will set you free:  "If I could only give three words of advice, they would be 'tell the truth.'  When you lie, you run into those people again later, and they remember you lied to them.  And they tell lots of other people about it.  Most people who have told a lie think they got away with it...when in fact, they didn't."


Can't say enough about the special people in my life that make me who I am today:  "When we're connected to others, we become better people."


My ultimate goal is now to be thought of as a Tigger:  "There's a decision we all have to make, and it seems perfectly captured in the Winnie the Pooh characters created by A.A. Milne.  Each of us must decide:  Am I fun-loving Tigger or am a sad-sack Eeyore.  Pick a camp."


I often wish we'd talked in more painstaking, specific detail about what Jon would want for me if something terrible happened to him..."Cancer has given me the time to have vital conversations with Jai that wouldn't be possible if my fate were a heart attack or a car accident."


Happiness is the ultimate goal, but so very difficult, if not inherently impossible, without the person you love more than life itself:  "Most of all, I want Jai to be happy in the years ahead.  So, if she finds happiness through remarriage, that will be great.  If she finds happiness without remarrying, that also will be great."


And my all-time favorite:  "We cannot change the cards we are dealt - just how we play the hand."

When I watched the YouTube video version of Randy's lecture, I was struck by the fact that, despite all the positive take-aways from his presentation, people have still managed to post all sorts of negative and hateful comments in response to his attempt to find true joy in this life.  Given all of my own recent negativity and pessimism, I guess I felt particularly saddened at seeing this kind of attitude directed at a man I admire and hope one day to emulate.  I realize, of course, that there will always be cynics and non-believers, but doesn't society have any respect for the dead anymore?  God forbid that a man find some beauty in the time he has left on earth with his wife and children...personally, I think that the legacy Randy has left for his three young children is unparalleled and worthy of the highest praise.  The scalding criticism and heartless trivialization of what he set out to accomplish that day is, fortunately, overshadowed by his many supporters and followers.  Maybe if people actually did their homework or just opened their eyes, they'd see it for what it was always intended to be - a tribute to living every moment to the fullest and then some.


At times, when I take a moment to look around, the world seems almost too bright and too much in focus.  People are always reveling in all the natural beauty around us, but it's like it's screaming at me, "your husband is dead, just in case you forgot - sucks to be you!  Welcome to yet another day without him!!"  The bitterness and resentment take up residence in the hole in my chest and all I can focus on is how palpable Jon's absence continues to be during my every waking moment.  Every now and then, though, when the lines become a little blurred and the glare of the sunlight fades, I can still see Jon in all that natural beauty.  It's no substitute for the feeling of his arms around me, but I'll take it over nothing at all.  As a wise woman once said, "maybe a person never really leaves this world.  You can pack up their belongings, deliver their clothes to Goodwill, put their letters away in shoeboxes.  But they will always inhabit the landscape in some way."


While I was walking my dog the other night, I thought about what a co-worker had said at the office earlier that day.  He picked up the framed wedding picture I have of Jon and I on my desk and said "damn, your husband looks like a movie star!"  I laughed as I envisioned the photo in my head and said out loud, "yes, you do look really handsome in that picture...God I love you so much, baby."  Right as I said it, I looked up to my left and caught sight of the glow from a pink-orange sunset dissolving behind distant treetops.  It was like a little reminder of the joy that hides in simple pleasures and of Jon's desire for me to be happy if anything should ever happen to him.  So much beauty in the world, indeed.  And maybe, if I give Randy's advice a chance, I'll find that there's more than just a little positivity and beauty left in this life too.