93. They Say...

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.” 

~Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

They say everything can be fixed.
I disagree: Not everything.
What I can’t fix literally haunts me.

They also say we always want what we can’t have.
They might be right about that: Those that are old would give anything to be young again, and those that are young just want to be old enough to be taken seriously. The rich want to be richer, the poor want to be richer. Those who lead normal lives wish for more excitement. Those who live under a microscope of public scrutiny curse the price of fame. When I wake up in the morning, I keep my eyes closed for a few extra seconds and hope that when I open them, things will be different – the tattoo with the date of Jon's death will be gone, Jon will be at his computer checking the headlines on CNN.com, and everything will be okay. But when I open my eyes, my tattoo with that life-changing date is still there. I'm alone, and Jon is no where to be found. And everything is still not okay.

They say I have to go through all the stages of grief and that one day I’ll finally be “done” mourning Jon’s death. But I go through multiple different stages throughout the course of one day. To suggest that I’ll ever "get over" the love of my life seems ridiculous and, quite frankly, downright insulting. I’m beginning to doubt that this process will ever really be over for me. They say everyone has their own timeline and that I don’t have to rush anything until I’m ready. It's been six years and on some days, I still can't even say his name without breaking down in tears. So, I guess my timeline is really, really slow. And to be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. I can’t let him go. I can’t just compartmentalize my life with Jon and put away all the things that remind me of him. There are few things to which I’ll voluntarily admit defeat, but this might have to be one of them.

They say that "the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path - one that we all must take. The gray rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it: White shores...and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise."

I truly hope they are right about that.