89. One-in-a-Million

"Because they've got a broken wing and they're hurt and they're an easy target. And in this case...I think that wing is being fixed. And you gotta make sure if gets mended. And you're getting in the way of that right now, okay? Because she's sensitive and she's smart, she's artistic. This is a great girl and you gotta be respectful of that. Come on. Let me walk you back to your car." 

~SLB

In case there was any doubt, it's hard to have it all...and then lose it.  When it comes to relationships, my view on things is irrevocably skewed. I feel very different in so many ways from most people my age. I'm like a young, inexperienced teenager stuck in a fully grown adult's body. Theoretically, it would be great to be able approach the dating scene with a completely carefree and open mind, but in reality, I've been married, and it's probably too late to turn around and go back to the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed outlook I had when I was 18. Bottom line, I put on a good front, but I'm still pretty fragile.

To further complicate things, I feel incredibly nervous about all the emotional baggage that inevitably accompanies becoming a widow at the age of 22. I realize there's nothing I can do about it, but I do worry it will make it hard for anyone to love and accept me for everything I am. Friends and family always tell me it will just take a really special and understanding person - and that anyone less simply isn't worth worrying about - but the pessimist in me often wonders if that's just something they say to make me feel a little better. They are certainly right about one thing: I usually expect too much from people and continue to take it to heart when they're not who or what I thought they were. Thanks to Jon, my expectations are awfully high, and, to make matters worse, I continue to give the people who disappoint me one too many chances. After twenty-nine years of seeing the best in everyone and hoping like hell they won't let me down, it's hard to figure out how to change gears and completely reverse my strategy.  Either that, or I really just need to stop caring so much about what other people think and do what's best for me.  Or not.  I can't even type those ridiculous words without feeling a pang of guilt.

I've already had my one in a million...and now he's gone.  Is it selfish of me to hope that I might be lucky enough to be blessed with two?  I guess only time will tell.