78. Pain

"Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles that nobody knows about." 

~Author unknown

Pain is one of those phenomenons we can explain in the most intricate and technical of terms, and yet there are certain types that have no scientific explanation whatsoever.  Like phantom limb pain - how can a limb that's no longer there continue to ache?  Or the feeling I get when the sadness of Jon's death hits me out of nowhere.  It feels as though someone grabs hold of my heart and pulls down - hard.  The sensation simultaneously reopens all the old wounds and leaves new ones in its wake.  It's like being suffocated by a debilitating emotional weight that makes it impossible to get enough air.  Scientists might refer to this effect as "agonal respiration" - labored, gasping breathing patterns that often accompany organ failure.  I learned that from the reports that describe Jon's struggle to live after his truck was hit by the massive IED.  Ironically, it's like love.  What scientific explanation can there be for the fact that one person has the ability to make your heart soar, your hands shake, and your body tingle with excitement while another person has absolutely no effect?  Ultimately, when the feeling hits me, I just have to wait for it to pass.  Love, on the other hand, doesn't pass.  Where it's real, it's there to stay.

Since Jon's death, I've dreaded Valentine's Day with a passion.  Part of the reason is that the last card I ever received from him was for Valentine's Day 2007.  He sent it from Iraq about two weeks early with specific instructions to me to wait until Valentine's Day to open it.  But, of course, I was too excited and opened it early anyway - he pretended to be mad, but he wasn't very convincing.  On Valentine's Day, a bouquet of beautiful pink roses arrived with another card that expressed his love for me and how happy he was to celebrate our first Valentine's Day as a married couple.  I mailed him a double-layered heart-shaped chocolate cake with pink frosting that spelled out "I love Jon."  When I spoke to him on the phone and asked whether he liked it, he sheepishly admitted that he might have already eaten all of it...in one sitting.  That was my baby - no amount of sugar could satiate his appetite for desserts. Luckily, I was exactly the same way.  That was one of many reasons we made such a great team.  It might have been a deal-breaker for our relationship if either one of us had had a strong aversion to sugar!

The last card Jon sent to me from Iraq for Valentine's Day 2007.  Words cannot
describe the happiness his words bring to my heart.

This year, despite dreading it, Valentine's Day itself was actually tolerable.  In fact, I might even go so far as to say I enjoyed it for the first time in years.  After spending the day at work doing a job I love, I ate a delicious home-made dinner with my two best girlfriends. We then sat next to Ohio State President E. Gordon Gee at the OSU-Northwestern men's basketball game where I spoke to him at length about the veteran's project I founded in Jon's memory.  Appropriately, the Valentine's Day cookies he handed out to us were frosted...and heart-shaped.  After watching OSU beat Northwestern within the last few minutes of the game, we finished out the night drinking delicious martinis at a local gay bar with well-dressed men.  When I finally made it back to my house, there was a box of delicious chocolate-covered caramels from my in-laws on my front step.  The proverbial frosting on the cake came the next morning when I got an email from Dr. Gee welcoming me and my friends into his official "posse."  Although I'm not too sure what that means, it made me laugh.  More importantly, his support for the veterans project helps to confirm that what I'm doing with the insurance money is exactly what Jon would have wanted.  Last but not least, tonight I'll host an "anti-Valentine's Day" dinner party for a group of my close friends.  There will be plenty of food, wine, and laughter...and hopefully we'll make some great new memories.  For the first time in a long time, I can say, without hesitation, that life is pretty good.

Even in the midst of all these positive developments, however, the pain still has a way of creeping up on me when I least expect it.  I tossed and turned a lot last night, and when I finally woke up this morning, I felt that familiar pressure tugging on my heart.  After a moment or two, I realized why - I'd dreamed of Jon.  At the end of the dream, something happened.  He started to suffocate, and I couldn't save him.  I screamed and cried, but there was too much blood and he couldn't breathe.  I had to remind myself that it was just a dream - at least in the figurative sense.  The nightmare is still real, but his pain has long passed and he is now at peace.   Crushing though it was, the pain in my chest eventually passed too.  I consciously focused on the simple act of air intake - air in, air out.  Breathe.  Repeat.  My heartbeat slowed, and another day began without Jon.

Pain - it comes suddenly and without warning, reminds us we're alive, and eventually fades.  There's no explanation for it, much like love.  Love, however, is a little different.  It's pure and joyous and true.  It's constant, unyielding, and its power far surpasses that of an overly commercialized holiday.  I know my pain will come and go, and eventually it will always pass.  My love for Jon, however, is here to stay.