25. What is Love?

"Love - of family, of spouse, of God - is the conscious and autonomous decision to commit to someone other than self (which makes marriage a sacriment) and not merely something to produce a temporary emotional high for one's own benefit." 

~An old friend

I know what you're probably thinking - what is love? Seriously? Such a cliche question, right? I read an article with that very title this morning and had to fight the urge to roll my eyes; my first thought was, "oh, God, what could this person possibly have to say that hasn't already been said a million times before? And why would you title your article something like "what is love?" when, no matter what the most well-intentioned person may say about it, there will always be people who continue to butcher its meaning without ever really understanding it?"

So. What is it?? I think the easier question is "what is love not?" It's not a selfish, narcissistic endeavor in which one person is the center of attention and the other sticks around to make him/her feel good by stoking his/her over-inflated ego. It's not a fall-back guarantee of physical gratification when other sources run dry. It's not, as the last guy I dated apparently thinks, just a meaningless word you throw around with multiple women while insisting you're not like those "other guys" who use it to get what they want. Looking back, I have to wonder if the trips we took together, the money I spent on DS's kids, and the attention I provided were worth the effort it took for him for perpetuate the facade for so long. To garner my sympathy, he went so far as to paint himself out to be this "poor guy" who represented too much of a burden for me to bear; he'd say, "I just don't know sometimes why a girl like you would want to be with a guy like me - I'm going through a divorce, I've got kids, and I'm thousands of dollars in debt thanks to my ex's shopping habit." He'd then send me all kinds of sweet text messages and cards thanking me for continuing to stick by him in spite of all the challenges (though his cards often sounded like he copied and pasted the words from a cheesy Hallmark website). He'd tell me I was the most beautiful woman in the world while emphasizing how he'd never be able to get through everything without my love and support. Hmm, interesting. If he truly cared, is that why he said he was coming by to apologize to me for all the lies but then made some half-hearted excuse and didn't bother to show up? I never heard from him again after that.

I can only imagine the way he justifies his actions to himself and those of his friends and family who met and knew me - "oh, maybe I took it a little too far with her, but I was just being nice. She needed a friend. I actually did her a favor by spending all the time with her that I did." Um, well if I just needed a friend, why bother to spout off all that crap about me being "the one" and wanting to marry me? Why ask me when I wanted to start trying to have children together? Because that's what I wanted to hear? Newsflash: I want (and deserve) to hear the truth, however harsh it might be. He was one of those people who always seemed to have an explanation for everything (and yet, according to him, I was the one who could never be wrong) - it made me feel like even my most legitimate concerns and questions weren't worthy of his time or consideration. For example, I'd half-joke around with him that he received an awful lot of flirtatious messages from various other girls - first names only. He would respond with, "come on, Jenna. When would I have time for another girlfriend between you and the time I spend with my kids?" I let it go at that. But, as it turns out, he somehow managed to have plenty of time for a wife and a girlfriend and his kids at the same time. What's one or two more girlfriends to add to the mix? The following words of wisdom ring all too true in this sad situation: "A real man treats his lady the same way he wants another man to treat his daughter."

A few days ago, I spoke with a friend who stayed in touch with him until recently, but who has now reached her limit with his utter lack of compassion for anyone but himself. I could have lived without hearing the details of their last conversation, but as I let her vent, the one comment that did strike a chord was what he told her about his thoughts on his marriage: "I really do love my wife...but I gotta do what I gotta do." Translation: I only give a crap about her when it suits me and when it's convenient to keep up the image of the perfect, happy family, but otherwise, I do what I want with whom I want. In the words of a character from one of my favorite book series, "I [don't] like a definition of love that include[s] trysts with someone else while you [are] living with your "beloved" spouse!" Regrettably, thanks to the shining example being set by his father (or lack thereof), DS's young and impressionable son will probably grow up to treat the women in his life exactly the same way. In fact, I recall several occasions on which DS referred to his son as a "pimp." I guess it's not that surprising coming from a guy who bragged about his performance "between the sheets" and losing his virginity at the age of 13. He also used to tell me that he was "just like a chameleon - I can get along with everyone and fit in anywhere." Hmm, well maybe he should have worried less about fitting in and more about his actions revealing his true colors. Actions speak louder than words, right?

In retrospect, I should have recognized DS's M.O. much earlier on when he confessed that he and his wife had separated once before to "figure things out," and, within less than two weeks of their supposed separation, he was already sleeping with someone else (a mutual friend, no less). If he was willing to admit to that one instance of infidelity, God knows how many others there were, both before, during, and after me. But I, of course, gave him the benefit of the doubt and defended him to my friends and family when they questioned his motives. And as for his wife...well, I can't even begin to imagine how she puts up with his behavior, unless she's somehow okay with it, which is equally, if not more, alarming. What I did learn from the one and only conversation I had with her after I found out about all his lies (via Facebook) is that she's well-aware of his pattern of behavior, and yet she maintains that she loves him and will continue to take him back for as long as he'll still have her. That would not be okay with me - no way, no how (though, according to our mutual friend, he also says she "let's him get away with it," so I guess that's just the way they choose to operate).

It makes me mad when I think about the women out there who complain about men treating them badly but do nothing to change their situation; by allowing their men to come crawling back consequence-free, these women ultimately just facilitate and even encourage the very behavior they despise. I don't even want to envision what life is like in a household like that - the mere mental image of it makes me shudder. And if that's what DS calls "love," I guess I should feel sorry for him. You don't do that to someone you love; in fact, the mere thought of it should make you sick to your stomach. You don't put yourself and your needs first and you don't risk a marriage that means something - anything - to you for the sake of a cheap thrill. You don't live a double life purely for the bragging rights while scrambling to keep the details of your various stories straight. That, in my humble opinion, is the epitome of what love is not. That is also why it should come as no surprise that I've about had it with dating - why put myself through more unnecessary pain for someone who can't begin to compare to the incredible man I'm lucky enough to call my husband? In the words of my one of my fellow widow friends, I married a mountain - why would I settle for a molehill? The man I married had morals and values, and when he vowed to love me and only me forever, his promise meant nothing less than just that. Maybe this sounds a little harsh, but I'm fairly certain they save an extra-special place for people like my ex in the afterlife, if you catch my drift. Karma may never catch up to him on earth...but he can't hide forever.

I never thought I'd quote the friend whose words appear at the beginning of this entry on the topic of love, but I have to say, I think he's onto something here. What is love? Despite my initial skepticism, the article had some very profound words of wisdom to offer: "Love is action. Love is tolerance...Love is giving. Love is receiving. Love is plodding through the slow eddies of a relationship without jumping ship into another's churning rapids." Love is being able to say that you would not hesitate before giving up everything for the sake of someone whose life and happiness mean more to you than your own. Love endures the test of time, and, at the end of the day, it remains in spite of the obstacles that threaten its demise. Love, for me, is the only thing that keeps me in the here and the now, despite the fact that my beloved Jon is long gone. What do I mean by that? I mean - literally - that I would not be here if it weren't for the love that I carry in my heart for a man I know I will only ever see again in another life. I love him more every day for everything he was and everything he wanted to become. I've finally reached a point where I can take just as much pride in introducing myself as his widow as I did in introducing myself as his wife...because I love him. I loved him as his wife, I love him as his widow, and I will love him always and forever. What is love? Love...is forever.