18. A Glimmer of Hope?

"Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys." 

~Alphonse de Lamartine

Ok, folks.  I know my posts have been pretty down over the past few weeks.  And I bet if there are any recently widowed ladies out there reading what I write, you're probably thinking, "great, I can sympathize with just about everything you're saying...hell, you took the words right out of my mouth.  But if you're in this much pain 5 years after the fact, then where the heck does that leave me?"  Bottom line, I understand that "encouraging" probably isn't the word anyone would use to describe how I've been feeling recently.  In fact, for a moment or two there, I wondered if blogging was actually making things worse since it makes me confront the deep, dark, scary emotions I've been avoiding for the last few years.  Trying to explain to the people in my life why I feel like I'm only experiencing the full force of these emotions now has been particularly frustrating because I think some of them see what I'm doing as counter-productive and maybe even self-destructive.  I get those confused, quizzical looks that I can tell really mean, "um, ok, not sure I buy this.  Aren't you just making things worse for yourself by reliving all this stuff?"

But guess what?  Here's what's absolutely incredible about slogging through the mud of all that crap and feeling on some days like the fog is never going to lift.  For weeks now, I've literally been praying to God and to Jon every day to please help me with all of this - to please help me achieve some kind of inner peace to make it a little more bearable.  At the same time, I've been mentally processing the advice that comes at me from all directions, reading about the day-to-day struggles of other women who find themselves young and widowed, trying to focus on the mounting pile of school work for which I've lost all enthusiasm and focus, and, in general, just caring way too much about what everyone thinks.  And here's the beauty of all of it:  for some unknown reason, I suddenly feel about 10 pounds lighter in terms of emotional stress because I finally don't care as much what everyone else thinks.  It's my life - not their's.  I've always done things in both my personal and professional life because I think it's what I "should" be doing (exception being, of course, my marriage to Jon - that wasn't a "should," it was a "must!").  I've relied for my happiness on others and I've worried incessantly over all the things I can't control and caused myself tons of unnecessary stress by freaking out about what everyone else around me says.  I've always assumed I'd get to a point where I'd "achieve" enough to finally be allowed do what I want to do.  


I have no idea what caused this sudden change.  Ha, maybe I'm bipolar or something - wouldn't that be ironic?  But, I swear, I wouldn't doubt it after feeling like such an emotional yo-yo lately!  Is it the fact that I started running again?  My meds finally kicking in?  The end of a miserable semester being in sight?  Upcoming visits with family and friends on the horizon?  Or maybe the amazing 2-hour conversation I had with a widow the other night that made me laugh like a hyena?  I literally haven't had that much fun on the phone in months, and the relief I experienced at how "normal" it made me feel was like the high you get from a drug.  I guess it doesn't really matter what caused me to feel this way.  All I know is that it's happening during that horrible week during which there are usually no "good" days.  Believe it or not, if someone asked me the dreaded "how are you?" question today, I might actually tentatively be able to say that I'm "good."  I'm still not "okay," and I never will be because Jon is gone.  That's just fact.  But for now, I'm good.  I love my husband.  I'm not basing my happiness on some unfulfilling, mediocre relationship with a guy who's just not worth my time.  I don't care what people think, and I know the world is not going to end if I don't do as well on my exams at the end of the semester as I'd like under "ideal" circumstances (whatever those might be).  And I'm okay with all of that.  

Who knows how long it will last?  But for now I'm going to ride the euphoric wave.  And hope that I don't come crashing down anytime soon.

Happy days - Jon and I during his R&R from Iraq (Christmas, 2006)